


Dear Lois, Fuck You, Love Cat

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Epistolary, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-02 14:35:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,356
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11511420
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: In between their second and third years at Radcliffe, young Cat Grant and Lois Lane are in internships on opposite sides of the continent.  What follows is a bit of their email correspondence.  They like each other a lot more than they think they do.





	1. Chapter 1

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 21, 4:23 pm_

 

Dear Lois,

I’m glad you agreed to stay in touch over the summer.  I can’t for the life of me understand why you went to Toronto, of all places, but I suppose if you can’t find yourself an internship someplace nice like National City Tribune, the Toronto Star will have to do.

National City is as pretty and sunny as I expected.  There are a lot of salad bars and partial nudity.  So that’s the upside.  The downside is it’s California and nobody keeps appointments or tells you to your face that they can’t stand you.  I figure I can have it wrestled to the ground and worshipping me in five to ten years.

Anyway, I found myself a nice cheap place in a lousy neighborhood (I think I somehow managed to find the crappy part of the gay district?) where the Mexican food is surprisingly excellent.  It’s small and has a scenic view of other fire escapes.  You’d like it, Lois, I think it’s just your speed.  There’s room for a futon, a laptop and at a stretch, a small, docile tabby.

Oh, and the place is teeming with lesbians.   Again, just your speed.

Kisses,  
Cat

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 8:21 am_

 

Dear Cat,

I don’t know why I agreed to stay in touch with you over the summer, your intemperate email is already making me regret it.  The Toronto Star, by the way, is one of the top ten papers in North America, so you can take your smartass comments and shove them.  

California sounds like the kind of place where your directness will read as obnoxious instead of refreshing, so take good care with that.  You won’t be wrestling anybody into submission if they toss you out on your ass first.

I have a small place too, but it’s Toronto, so it’s probably cleaner than yours.  The fire escapes sound charming, maybe you can tune up those vocal cords and be ready to give me a scene from West Side Story when I come visit.

A small, docile tabby?  I’d hardly describe you as docile.

And for the last time, Cat, I’m not a lesbian.

Bisexually yours,  
Lois

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 4:45 pm_

 

“One of the top ten papers in North America” made me chuckle.  Technically yes, it’s number ten.  And you had to say North America because you can’t say America because you’re in Canada, or as I like to call it, Polite America.  Come on, I won’t tell anyone, Lois, but please admit to me that Toronto is unbearable, that it’s New York but clean (and boring).  You know you’d rather be at the New York Times.

I'm not singing for you after you made a cheap cat joke at my expense.  It doesn't work that way around here.  Honestly I can take it as good as I can dish it out but a cheap cat joke?  I'm about to lose all respect for you.

Since you don't have to sign emails, I suppose I won't.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 9:17 pm_

 

You had respect for me?

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 9:43 pm_

 

Come on now.  Really?  Of course.  Don't you know that?  I consider you one of the top ten writers I know in North America.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 9:52 pm_

 

Can you stop being a bitch for five seconds?  Are you even constitutionally capable of such a thing?

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 9:59 pm_

Of course I am.  But I prefer being this way.  It's comfortable.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 10:10 pm_

 

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS?

 

 

 *******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 22, 10:30 pm_

Do I really need to explain?

It seems I do.

I miss you, Lois, that's why.  I'm feeling very isolated and I don't like the way people do things here and I wish you were close enough that you could come over and sample some of the pot they grow out here, because it's so, so good.

You're my friend, you idiot.  And you're such a good writer it literally makes me angry.  

And you call yourself an investigative journalist.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 7:32 am_

 

Jesus, what possessed you?  I'm still reeling from this uncharacteristic outburst of sincerity.

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 9:30 am_

 

Don’t let it go to your head.  You might want to frame it and put it on your wall, because I don’t hand out compliments like that very often.

How are you enjoying the back bacon and poutine?

  
  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 12:27 pm_

 

Cat … Do you have a sense of your place in the universe?  I wonder sometimes.

In other news, I get to sit in on an editorial meeting tomorrow.  There’s this senior editor, Perry, who’s an asshole, but he’s really good.  I think if he has the patience and the inclination (which is debatable), he might teach me a lot.

They do have other food here besides poutine here, you know, though I have actually indulged in it a couple of times.  It’s gross, but it’s good.  Sometimes a little comfort food is nice.

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 6:30 pm_

 

I have no problem with my sense of place in the universe.  I’m going to be ruling it.  Just give me about fifteen years.  I have to do some time with reporting, then punditry, and then I’ll blow my entire trust on the ballsy but well-considered acquisition of a small newspaper, which I’ll grow into a large media company with several well-respected publications internationally and possibly a cable news network if I can swing it.

Perry sounds like someone you can learn from.  Is he hot?  I know you have a weakness for male journos, so watch your caboose, Lane.  I’m not kidding.

Speaking of your caboose, stay off the poutine.  I like your caboose as is.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 12:27 pm_

 

It’s nice that you have lofty ambitions.  I’d like to end up in Metropolis, maybe as editor in chief of the Daily Planet.  What can I say?  I’m willing to settle.  Your obsession with world domination is cute, but I’ll settle for being a world-class journalist.

Perry’s not hot.  Well, alright, that’s not entirely true.  He has, as you say, a nice caboose.

Speaking of which, I didn’t know you had an opinion about mine?

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 6:30 pm_

 

Of course I do.  I have an opinion about everything.  Didn’t you get that memo?

Listen, Lane.  I didn’t say I didn’t want to be a world-class journalist.  I just want it to be the first step in a plan that culminates in world domination.  Believe me, I’ve thought it through.  My plan is to eventually buy the Daily Planet and then you can work for me.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 9:40 pm_

 

Some things never change.  When I said I wanted to be underneath you that unfortunate evening in Amanda Waller’s dorm, that wasn’t quite what I was thinking.

In all seriousness, I guess I don’t know why you want world domination, though.  I mean, Christiane Amanpour doesn’t have ambitions to buy all of the media in the world.  I think when it becomes about acquisitions, it gets harder to keep focus on telling the important stories.  That’s just my opinion, though.

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 9:57 pm_

 

Lois, you minx.  Don’t dangle things out there that you have no intention of following through on.

I like world domination.  I think it’s sexy.  I think you might get to like it if you gave it a try.  Amanpour is brilliant but she's thinking too small.

Seriously, Lois, at that level, you’re not a storyteller, you’re an opinion-maker.  You’re setting the dialogue and defining its terms, and that’s where I want to be.  I mean honestly, someone’s got to save this country from itself, and if not me, then who?

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:20 pm_

 

I can never figure out whether I'm supposed to be charmed or repulsed by your ambition and ego.

And by the way, it’s called flirting.  

And, who said I had no intention of following through?

  


*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:27 pm_

 

I call bullshit on that.  Amanda Waller’s dorm was the only time you ever seemed remotely interested in that.  And as I said, we were both very drunk.

  


*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:31 pm_

 

Does that mean your memories aren’t fond?

  


 

_*******_

_From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:36 pm_

 

Listen.  Of course they are.  My memories are more than fond.  At least, the memories I managed to retain, which are admittedly a little spotty.  Zima is a harsh and mildly disgusting mistress.

I do remember that strawberry lip gloss of yours tasting nice, though.  And that your sweater was incredibly soft.  The whole thing was a little clumsy (I’m fairly sure I remember clacking teeth with you a couple of times) but it was sweet.  You were an earnest kisser, if not the most technically skilled one.

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:41 pm_

 

Cat,

You would critique that, just like you do everything else.

Of course I wasn’t technically skilled, you idiot.  You were the first girl I ever kissed.  I was nervous and the Zima somehow made that worse instead of better.

  


 

*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:43 pm_

 

 

Want a second chance?

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:45 pm_

 

Now you’re the one dangling things out there that you don’t intend to follow through on.

 

 

  
*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:49 pm_

 

Not at all.  I’d make out with you again in a second, and I wouldn’t even have to be drunk to do it.  You might even convince me to stop talking about world domination long enough to get to second base.

  


 

 *******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 10:55 pm_

 

Second base?  Ye of little faith.  I’d get to third at least, and you’d be waving me home when I got there.

 

 

  
*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:02 pm_

 

So who’s talking a big game, now?  

God, this is fun but if you’re playing, you’d better stop now.  My heart can’t take it, and my other bits aren’t doing too well either, frankly.  I’m suddenly remembering the sounds you made when I was kissing you and it’s doing things to my head.

  


 

_*******_

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:06 pm_

 

I’m pretty sure that’s not your head.

Anyway, no, I’m not playing.  I didn’t want to talk about it the next day because I assumed that you weren’t interested in me like that.  The arrogant, gorgeous Cat Grant from her hoity-toity literary family?  Why would she actually want something with a rough around the edges army brat?  You’ll forgive me my humility in not presuming.

So.  What now?  Do we stop?  Or do I continue to speculate about whether you’re as kissable sober as when you’re drunk?  I have had a little more experience since then, you know.  I’ve gotten quite deft at taking a girl’s bra off with one hand.  It’s entirely possible I could impress you these days, or if not, at least entertain you.

Not that I care about such things.

Maybe.

 

 

  
*******

 _From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:08 pm_

 

Gorgeous?  

 

 

 '*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:10 pm_

 

Yes.  And arrogant.

  


 

_*******_

_From: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:12 pm_

 

But gorgeous?  Keep talking.

  


 

 

 *******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 23, 11:14 pm_

I hate you.

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 9:03 am_

 

You hate that you aren't stealing second base with me right now.

I have a radical idea: why don't you come here for Fourth of July weekend?  We have beaches.  We have gay clubs.  We have a breathtaking view of fire escapes and even, if we position ourselves exactly right at exactly the right time, the moon.  

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 9:12 am_

 

It sounds great, but I don't think I have $700 lying around for a plane ticket.  Maybe you can come to Toronto.  We have gay clubs too.  And poutine.

This is all getting out of hand a little quick, isn't it?  

  


 

_*******_

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 12:01 pm_

 

No it's not.  It's been building since last year.  

Look, I don't have $700 either but I'm fairly sure I can extort that amount from my mother.  So if it's all the same, let's use my extortion to bring you here, where it's warm and sunny and there are a lot of beautiful people and beaches.  

Come on, I miss you.  And I'm also now perseverating on the idea of getting my hands on you.  

 

  
  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 5:38 pm_

 

Perseverating?  Some people call that obsessing.

I have to be honest, I can't get my head around the way you interact with your mother and I really feel weird about taking her money even if it's to come see you.  

 

 

  
  
******

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 6:16 pm_

 

Technically it would be out of my own trust fund, I just have to get her to give it to me.

 

 

  
*******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 6:37 pm_

 

I'm sure your trust fund isn't for importing girls in from Canada to fool around with them.  

It's really tempting, but I feel wrong about taking your money.  Let's just see each other when we get back.  I promise you I'll make it worth the wait.  Surely you can find some comely surfer girl to amuse you in the meantime?

 

  
*******

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 6:45 pm_

 

God you're thick.  I don't want a comely surfer girl, despite the ease of securing one out here.  I want you, and your pasty skin and your angular cheekbones and your ineffable butchness and east coast bluntness and I want to know now, RIGHT NOW, whether you’re really a better kisser than you were last year.  I'm not a patient person.  Late August is too long to wait.  

 

  
******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 6:53 pm_

 

I don't know what to say to any of that.  

We’re waiting.  The end.

How's your internship going at the Trib?

  


*******

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 24, 7:03 pm_

 

Don't make sink so low as to pursue you to Toronto.  

The internship is fine.  I've made lots and lots of photocopies, which has been riveting.  However lately I've been assigned to the fashion department, and while I won't dwell on the sexist implications of that, it is nice to take home some of free samples the editors get.  L'Oréal has a new facial scrub, did you know that?

Still, I'd rather be a runner for the politics desk.  Those spots went to boys, though.  

 

  
  
*****

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 24, 7:30 pm_

 

You got assigned to fashion because you're beautiful and wear amazing clothes and even when you've just rolled out of bed, you look fantastic.  I've seen you stumbling out to the showers in the morning and can attest to that.  

 

  
******

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 26, 7:30 pm_

 

Cat,

You've been quiet the last few days, I can only assume you're angry with me for not agreeing to come to National City.  

Don't mistake me, I do want to see you.  I haven't been able to think of anything but kissing you for the last several nights.  I just have a lot of sticky feelings about money and class and I don't want those things to complicate whatever this is between us.

  


****

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 27, 8:30 am_

 

You asshole.

I got the fucking ticket you sent.

Fine.  You win.  I'm coming.

  
  
  
  
  



	2. Chapter 2

 

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:03 am

 

Well, I’m glad you decided not to do something bullheaded like send the ticket back to me.

Are you nervous about this?  I didn’t think I was, but now we have to wait four more days.

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 6:30 pm

 

I’m sorry I didn’t reply earlier, Perry had me running all over the building and I didn’t get a chance to log in again until I got home.

Cat, don’t you dare get cold feet after you talked all that shit and sent me a plane ticket.  I’ll fly out there just to punch you in the mouth.

 

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 7:07 pm

 

Listen, Lane, you started with the shit talking.  I think we’re both at fault here.

Anyway, not cold feet.  I wouldn’t take a minute of this back if I could.  It’s just suddenly, for some reason, become important and I want it to be, at the very least, better than average.

Maybe we’re just both lonely in strange cities and craving something familiar.  But I don’t think that’s it.  

Wait, did I say lonely? I’m not lonely.  I’m surrounded by beautiful people and some of them, I think, want to fuck me.  But beautiful isn’t the thing for me.  I like it as much as anyone does, but it’s of little inherent value to me, really.  I want interesting.  I want exciting.  I want something that crackles and that challenges me and that makes me work for it a little, or else what’s the point?  

Maybe that’s what it is about you, Lois.  I push, and you push back.  It does something for me.  Or maybe to me.  Maybe both.

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 8:10 pm

 

Easy there, tiger.  We’ve got four whole days – well, closer to three now, since it’s the end of the day.  Whatever.  We’ve still got a bunch of days to kill before I’m there, and I’d hate for you to get all worked up with nowhere to go.  

 

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 8:40 pm

 

Oh, Lois.  Lowering expectations already?  How very like you.

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:10 pm

 

Fuck you, Cat.

 

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:15 pm

 

Sentence structure, darling, sentence structure.  Phrase it in the form of a question and we’ll talk.

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:18 pm

 

FUCK YOU, CAT?

 

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:21 pm

 

Alright, you made me laugh.  Points for humor.  

I think we should talk about something else.  Possibly something boring like our hopes and dreams?  

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:27 pm

 

Why would you want to talk about that?  We’ve already covered it.  For a refresher:

Me = editor of the Daily Planet

You = world domination

I suppose we can dive deeper if you want.  I’ve always wanted to spend some time as a war correspondent.  Appearing on television in Baghdad with things blowing up behind me, or standing in the rain at a border crossing where streams of refugees are pouring across, fleeing their war-torn country, something like that.

You?

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:39 pm

 

I could picture you doing that.  A flak jacket would probably look better on you than most of the the everyday wear I’ve seen you in.

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:40 pm

 

Honestly, Cat, I should mail this ticket back to you right now.

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 27, 9:42 pm

 

I’m not sure you read my last email correctly.  Just call me, will you?

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 2:22 am

 

Well, now we’ve done it.  

I’m glad you understand now what I meant by that.  I mean, yes, I was kind of taking a poke at your clothes, but I’ll say it again, I really do like the thought of you in a flak jacket and I’d rather see you that way than in the sort of half-assed preppy look that you wear day in and day out.  You’re the type of girl who’s going to see a lot of things and be shaped by intense experiences and bring stories back to the rest of the world that other people aren’t brave enough to do.  You’ve got tremendous balls, and if you ever tell anyone I said so, I’ll strangle you in your sleep.

That having been said, it’s after 2 am and I’m still awake.  After spending an hour on the phone with you, rest eludes me.  Why couldn’t we decide we wanted this when we were easily accessible to each other?  Absence makes the heart grow fonder, I guess.  I never noticed until we talked just now but you have this kind of little scratchy thing to your voice that I like, particularly when you laugh.  Every time you do it, it makes the little hairs stand up on the back of my neck.

So now here we are, it’s officially there days away, and I’m wide awake, thinking about  your voice and wondering if I’ll be able to make you laugh when you come here, and what other kind of sounds I’ll be able to get out of you.  It’s maddening, to tell you the truth.  

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 9:30 am

 

Has anyone ever told you that you’re an incredibly difficult person?  If not, let it go on record:  You are an incredibly difficult person.  

If you intend to act like this all week until I get there, I swear to god I’m going to slap you the second you open the door.

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 12:22 pm

 

What would really be better is if you knocked on the door, and I opened it, and then I kissed you deeply, standing there in the doorway for several minutes.  After which, I smiled, said, “Yes, actually, it was better than last time.  Okay, you can go.”  And then closed the door in your face.  

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 1:30 pm

 

At which point, I would shove the door open again, burst dramatically into your very small apartment (hopefully without injuring your small, docile tabby), find a wall (I’m assuming you at least have one), and pin you to it, and kiss you again, and then begin unworking the buttons on that Benetton button-down you would undoubtedly be wearing one by one, while informing you in no uncertain terms that I am not to be toyed with.

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 5:30 pm

 

Ah, you don’t disappoint me after all.  You see?  The chase is exciting.  If you had threatened to mail the ticket back at that point I’d have known the jig was up.  This is what I’m saying.  I push, and you don’t just buckle, you push back.  I like it.

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 6:32 pm

 

What can I say?  I’m not the only one who likes to work for it a little, apparently. 

So tell me about world domination.  How does it work?  How do you know when you’ve won?  Do you get a card or a certificate once you’ve achieved it?  Do you have meetings with other world-dominating people from time to time to make sure you’re still doing it?

 

 

*********************************

From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu    
To: llane@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 9:30 pm

 

You know, you act like I’m the only one who’s ever a bitch but I’d like to call your attention to the first-class mockery of my hopes and dreams in that last paragraph.

You’re a better writer than I am, Lois.  I’m no slouch, of course, and I’ll probably get a good job at a paper somewhere and become a reporter and then a columnist of some sort and hopefully be taken somewhat seriously.  But you’re better.  Pulitzer better.  Peabody better.  You’re a Nellie Bly, an Ida Tarbell, a Christiane Amanpour.  You have “it.”  Whatever “it” is, exactly.  I’m good, very good, but I don’t have that.

Honestly, I lack the inclination to spend time in the desert in Iraq or whatever war-torn disaster zone we happen to be bombing at any given moment.  I don’t have a fire in me, not for that.  Maybe it’s the Army brat thing, but I feel like you were born with that.

So me?  I have to achieve in different ways than you.  I feel like I can probably get pretty far with good looks a rapier-like wit.

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 10:04 pm

 

And now it’s my turn to feel as though I may have been misunderstood.  Please call me.

 

 

*********************************

From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu

June 28, 1:10 am

 

I’m glad we talked about that.  I hope you believe that I take you completely seriously.  I think you are absolutely going to grab the world by the short and curlies.  And I’m going to refrain from complimenting you further because your egomania needs no further encouragement.

I do understand what you mean about setting the agenda, though, and the distinction between the message and the story.  In a country where people are paddling harder and harder to keep their heads above water as they consume, consume, consume, sometimes all that penetrates is the message.  The story still needs to be told, for those who have the inclination to follow, but to your point, public opinion is a fickle and fragile thing.  Sometimes the winds shift so quickly because the masses are swayed by the message, the slogan, without knowing (or caring to know) the deeper story.  So, I think I understand the value of the message versus the story.  I just hope you understand that you need both.  Because you have a fire in you for that, for trying to trim the sails of the culture and correct its course.  I don’t want to see that gift misspent.

Alright, it’s disgustingly late, but things got a little soft and sleepy at the end of that long phone call and your voice got a little silky, and it’s keeping me awake.  But I’m definitely not going to get to sleep unless I stop writing.  I’ll talk to you tomorrow, Catherine J. Grant, Queen of All Media.

Sleep tight.


	3. Chapter 3

**********************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 8:45 am_

 

Lois, your vote of confidence means the world to me.  I'll make sure to thank you in my acceptance speech.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 8:55 am_

 

They give out awards for world domination?

  


**********************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 8:57 am_

 

Obviously.  The trophy is me standing on top of the world wearing stilettos and holding a whip.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 28, 9:04 am_

 

Jesus Christ.  Obviously. 

Listen, I was warned when I got here that I'm going to be busy today so I probably won't be able to write again till tonight when I get home.  

Start thinking of something witty.  Maybe not something involving you wearing stilettos and a whip because I’m not sure I have it in me to survive that.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 12:05 pm_

 

Listen, I’ve been thinking about something, and I want to just put it out there right now, while I have some time to digest my thoughts on it.  

I know you were reticent to accept the ticket at all and I know that you’ve alluded to some baggage you have about class and money and whatnot, so I just want to make something completely clear:  for all the teasing I do, for all the flirting, for all the talking shit (and I know I talk a lot of shit), I want you to really understand something:  I am not expecting something from you by bringing you here.

Do I hope?  God, yes.  I hope.  But I want it to come from you.  From your heart or your groin or wherever it is it's coming from.  I'm not flying you here to fuck me, Lois.  I just want to see you.  And yes, you've been whipping me up, but I want you to know nothing obliges you to do anything.  Maybe we won't even feel it, maybe in the cold light of reality all this teasing and talk will dry up and we’ll just be the same two Radcliffe girls who kind of love and kind of can’t stand each other.  But so what if it does?  You and I are lifelong friends, I'm telling you that now.  We’ll always know each other.  Because there aren't many like us.  

You know, I was re-reading that piece of yours, about the nun giving the art tour of all the lost women of the Bible, and this bit still kills me:

“And there she is; a saint, a mother, a sword-wielding judge, preserved in mosaic whose edges have only just begun to crumble.  The monks might have written her out of their scriptures over the centuries, line by line obscuring her role in the story of God and man, but here she stands.  She is preserved in tinted tile; mute, but indelible, a quiet monument to the faith of women and the ways in which the Church still rests on their shoulders.”

I’m a secular humanist, Lois, how dare you make me have such feelings about the erasure of women from the Catholic Church’s history?

I digress.  But not really.  We have greatness in it us, I’m telling you that right now.  That ties us to each other whether we like it or not, and sometimes, I think, we probably won’t.  The point is, you owe me nothing by coming here except the singularly irritating, inexplicably stimulating experience of your company.

But if you do feel like making out with me, I’m not likely to stop you.

  
  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 6:31 pm_

 

Oh for the love of God, quoting one of my articles at me?  Laying it on a little thick, aren’t you?

But thank you for saying all the other stuff.  I feel as if all this came from behind, with very little warning.  I know you feel it’s been building and maybe that’s true, but it’s still happening quickly.  I have complexes about feeling as though I’m being bought, and you may someday hear more about that, but it’s actually meaningful that you chose to make clear to me where I stand with you in that regard.

It’s probably a good idea though if we try to dial back the hitting on each other a little bit until I get there?  You can say what you want about not expecting anything from me, but if we’re sitting here talking the way we’ve been, I think it’s hard for us both not to expect it.

I’m just worried about finding ourselves in a position where we feel like we have to do something because I’ve flown all that way and … well, I’m not sure I’ll be able to stick to it, but I feel like we should try to take it easy.  

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 29, 9:20 pm_

 

Well, maybe we should agree now that when I open the door, I’ll greet you with a friendly handshake.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_June 29, 9:34 pm_

 

For fuck’s sake, Cat.  

  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 9:40 pm_

 

I thought we were talking about the opposite of that, now.  

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 9:45 pm_

 

Let me tell you something.  

I’m going to sleep because you’re being an asshole.  

 

*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 29, 10:13 pm_

 

She says this as if it’s something new.

 

Anyway isn't it part of my charm?

You have one more day of work, Lois, and then you’re going to be getting on a plane.  And then we’ll see what’s what.  You can enjoy the weather and the Mexican food and maybe even my company if you can keep up.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 1:27 am_

 

I'm pissed off at you right now.  You showed up in my dreams and got me all worked up and now I can’t get back to sleep.

I don't understand this.  I've seen you hit on other girls.  You're not like this.  You turn on that weird charm of yours and you use that soft, silky voice that I heard just a little of the other night, and you get them blushing and giggling.  You make them feel like they're the only other person on earth.  I've seen you do it.

But with me?  You provoke me, insult me, irritate me, and for reasons I dearly wish I could explain, it makes me have dreams about you that would make a pirate blush, and there's nothing I can do for it.

Hm.  Well, not nothing, I guess.  

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 8:13 am_

 

But you won't share them with me, will you.  I see how it is.  

You know, I've been thinking a lot about why this is happening now versus while we were at school and this is what I think:  I think we’re both our best selves in writing.  For a lot of reasons.  And when our interactions are reduced to only that, without the myriad distractions of life on campus, becoming swept up in whatever latent (or not so very latent) attractions we have seems inevitable.

The girls you've seen me hitting on were pretty girls.   They weren't girls who challenged me, or frustrated me, or excited me.  They were just pretty girls I wanted to take home.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 9:27 am_

 

Oh, Cat.  Don't you know that even smart girls like it when you use that sexy voice with them and say sweet, flirty things?  Don’t you think even smart girls want to go home with you?  It doesn’t always have to be salt and snark.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

_June 30, 12:07 pm_

 

But Lois, I’m made of salt and snark the way some girls are made of sugar and spice.  I’m beginning to wonder if you really like me just the way I am.

Separately, I realized something.  There is one outfit I like on you that I will probably always like better even than the idea you in a flak jacket.  I like you in your softball uniform.  Full-on deal, or just the jersey.  That really, really works for you.  Maybe bring it when you come?  Just the jersey?  

Please?

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 12:25 pm_

 

My god, you said please.  I think I’m about to faint.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 12:27 pm_

 

I didn’t realize that was one of your kinks.

Please, Lois.  Please, please, please, bring your softball jersey and wear it for me.  Please.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 12:32 pm_

 

Softball jersey and nothing else.

  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 12:36 pm_

 

That’s pretty cruel of you, Miss Let’s Try to Take It Easy Till I Get There.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 12:40 pm_

 

You didn’t invent being a bitch, you know.

I’m going to leave you with that thought for now.  Go make photocopies or coffee or whatever devastatingly important things that they have you doing.

  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 5:36 pm_

 

I didn’t invent it but I like to think I’m well on my way to elevating the art form.  If you pay attention maybe you can learn something from me.

But that’s for later.  What I want to hear more about now is the softball jersey and nothing else.  

Please?

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 6:33 pm_

 

I’m so going to regret this.  I’m just realizing that I’m going to see you TOMORROW and WHAT IF ALL THIS SHIT WE’RE TALKING IS JUST SHIT?

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 6:45 pm_

 

So what if it is?  At least we’re having this moment right now, and the moment, Lois, has value.  Never forget that.  If you come here and it’s a disaster and we can barely stand to look at each other in the fall when we go back to school, we still had this.  Right now.  Making each other laugh, getting each other all wound up, making each other have sexy dreams.  We took a time in our lives that was a little strange and lonely, and made it fun for each other.  That’s worth something, no matter what happens this weekend.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:10 pm_

 

It always throws me when you’re suddenly this fucking sincere, Cat.  I never know what to do with it.

Look, I think you’ve figured out that I always thought I was attracted to you, but I could never work out if I liked you or not because you were so fucking impossible.  The impossible hasn’t really changed, but I think I do like you.  You’re a piece of work, and in the space of the last week you’ve managed to drive me up the wall in both good ways and bad, but I do like you.

So I guess that’s why I’m nervous about tomorrow.  Because I want it to be good.  I don’t want it to be a disaster, and I don’t even want it to be a weekend where we fool around and then it comes to nothing once we’re back at school and living our lives.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:28 pm_

 

I think I understand.  I’ve said this already, but it’s important to me too, despite my trademark flippancy about it all.

So.

What are you wearing?

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:35 pm_

  


I hate you.

  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:28 pm_

 

No you don’t.  You like me.  You just said so.  You’re going to wear a softball jersey and nothing else for me.  And if you’re nice, I might slip my hand up under that jersey and see if I can find home base.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:35 pm_

  


You didn’t even just write that.  That’s so fucking cheesy.  

Also, I’m turned on now, which I can’t believe.

Tell me more about your evil intentions.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:48 pm_

 

On reflection, I think you should wear underwear under the jersey.  I have a thing for the visceral thrill of teasing a girl through the fabric and then peeling her out of them.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 7:55 pm_

 

Oh my god.  

Okay, that sounds fair.  And then once you’ve gotten them off…?

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 8:01 pm_

 

Oh no no, slow down.  We’re not there yet.  We need to discuss exactly what I’d do to get you hot enough to beg me to take them off you.

  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 8:03 pm_

 

Well, you should know my sensitive spots are:  neck, earlobes, tits, inner thighs, backs of the knees. 

Do with that what you will.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_June 30, 8:05 pm_

 

I think you should call me.  

Never mind.  I’m calling you.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 1, 12:02 am_

 

I’m still tingling from that… conversation.  I think we shorted out a part of my brain, so I’m sorry if I’m a little inarticulate here.  I’ve never had that, never talked to anyone like that, never had anyone say the things you said to me.  So much for not setting expectations.  

I have to be up early tomorrow.  Well, today, technically, since it’s after midnight.  My flight is early, as you know.  I can’t believe I’m going to see you in less than twelve hours.

A part of me wants to keep things exactly as they are right now.  I’m still having goosebumps over the little purr in your voice, the way it caressed my ear, when you were making all those dirty promises about what you were going to do to me.  I’m still biting my lip over the way you sounded sweet and just a little helpless when I told you what I wanted to do for you.  A part of me doesn’t want to take the perfect fantasy sex we just had and bring it into reality where we might ruin it.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 1, 5:02 am_

 

LOIS LANE YOU ARE NOT GOING TO FUCKING CHICKEN OUT AFTER THE WAY YOU TALKED TO ME LAST NIGHT.   

I’m the one that’s impossible, but you’re the one who finished me off twice last night with nothing but her words and is now acting like you’re scared to look me in the face and say those things.

  
  


*******************************

 _From:  llane@radcliffe.edu  
_ _To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 1, 6:02 am_

 

Relax, Cat.  I am scared.  But I’m changing planes at Chicago right now.  I’ll see you in a few hours.


	4. Chapter 4

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 2, 1:02 am_

  


I’m writing this now in case we wake up in the morning and it all goes out of my head or else one of us finds a way to ruin everything, which I’d give fifty-fifty odds.  

I’m sitting here on my laptop in the dark, looking at you while you sleep, outlined with the gold of the streetlamps, and I want to remember it.  Just in case this is all I get.  

This was a long day full of strange moments and I’m so exhausted I can’t believe I’m still awake but I feel like if I don’t get some of this out, it’s going to rattle around in my head till the sun comes up.

I’ve never been with someone where it started off so wrong and ended up so right, or where it started off so rough and ended up so tender.  We started with preconceived ideas of what we were supposed to give each other (setting expectations??) and ended understanding what we actually needed, but we had to let go of everything first.  I never took much time before this to consider the distinction between what’s fun to fantasize about versus what I might actually want.  So strange how sometimes they’re not the same thing at all.

So, all those things we said to each other about doing it up against a wall and tearing each other’s clothes off?  God, they were hot.  But having you, actual you, there and breathing and real in front of me, I was surprised to find I didn’t want those things.  And it seems neither did you.  I’m glad we pushed through the head-butting and the awkwardness, and stopped trying to prove something, because what we found on the other side was worth it.  I would trade every minute of those hot, rough fantasies for you the way you were tonight, giving me soft looks, holding my hand while you did those sweet, delicious, gentle things to me.  And the way you whispered my name when you were coming, and you called me “Lo,” ...even if it was just for those few moments, you felt open and honest.

I don’t know what’s going to happen and I don’t want to jinx it.

All I know is it was worth the seven hour trip.

But so far, the best part of this trip hasn’t even been the sex.  It was the minute you opened the door and I saw you and realized exactly how much I’d missed your stupid face.

Show me everything, Cat.  Show me National City.  Show me you.  Send me home with a hundred more memories like today.  Yeah, I’m greedy and I don’t care.  I want more, if you’re at all interested in giving it.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 4, 6:17 pm_

  


So I ignore my email all weekend only to check it after accompanying you to the airport, and I find this message from you.  Lois Lane, you unrepentant sap, I should keep this as blackmail material so that one day I can threaten to tell your minions what a hopeless mush their tough-as-nails chief is.

I hope the rest of the weekend lived up to what you wanted.  I'd dare to say you enjoyed the beach and the enchiladas, and you tolerated the pedicures better than I thought you'd do. I like you in a swimsuit, by the way.  Your shape isn't excessively girlish but it's so very pleasant to look at; those broad shoulders and lovely back muscles in particular.  I can see why you bat cleanup.  Clearly you've got some power in that swing.

Thank you, by the way, for indulging my softball jersey fetish.  It was worth it, don't you think?

I don't think we should worry about what's next.  We don't know what this is yet.  But if you don't mind, I want to keep it only between us for now.

And before you begin some maudlin nonsense about my being ashamed of you, that's not it at all.  It's just so we can explore it without being under the Radcliffe Microscope, answerable to the goddesses of campus gossip for what we are or aren't.  We have a rare opportunity to actually develop a relationship privately, without interference and a fucking audience so I don't see why we shouldn't take it.

I should tell you, I suppose, that I'm not much the romantic type.  If you want roses and chocolates and sappy love letters, I'm not your girl, probably.  But then, I think we’re more interesting than that.

It was a good weekend.  I'd like to see you again before we have to go back to school.  And of course, I want to talk, and talk, and sometimes talk a little bit dirty but always talk.  Nothing is as sexy as an overeducated girl who talks too much.

I hope your flight back is alright.

And just so you know, I was glad to see your stupid face, too, Lo.  I might miss it already, though I’m not prepared to state that definitively.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 12:30 am_

  


Cat, I’m too tired to reply to all this now.

The jersey was worth it, and so was all the rest of it.  

I loved the beach, and the club, and the bookstore.  I couldn’t believe they had that whole little section of Goethe in German.

I’m glad to know that you feel that there’s a “this” to figure out.  I’m in agreement on the subject of discretion, for now.

I’m off to sleep now.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 9:30 am_

 

Und doch sehr oft, wenn wir uns von dem Beabsichtigten für ewig getrennt sehen, haben wir schon auf unserm Wege irgend ein anderes Wünschenswerthe gefunden, etwas uns Gemäßes, mit dem uns zu begnügen wir eigentlich geboren sind.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 10:30 am_

  


Oh, of course you’ve read Goethe in German, why wouldn’t you?  Despite your language elective being French?  The overachieving apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

“Very often when we have found ourselves forever separated from what we had intended to achieve, we have already, on our way, found something else worth desiring.”

I’m not going to dwell on what you think that means.

Anyway, I don’t need you to be romantic.  I’m not sure I even want you to be less of a pain in the ass.  

How are you doing with getting back into the rhythm of work after the long weekend of partying and sex?  I’m struggling.  I’ve had like three cups of coffee and it’s not enough.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 12:15 pm_

 

  
Oh, I didn’t break you, did I, Lo?  I’d hate to think I was responsible for you underperforming in your very important “getting Perry coffee” duties.

Listen, if I can’t be pretentious and quote Geothe in German, what is the point of having a highbrow literary asshole mother?  Toni Morrisson is my godmother, did you know that?

Anyway, it means what it means.  Don’t dwell on it.

Yes, there’s a “this” to figure out, now.  Not that that’s a guarantee of anything in particular, but you’re not the girl I just take back to my room and fool around with.  We’re at least going to talk about it.  

And maybe, hopefully, do it again, if we can manage not to fuck up a good thing too much.  

  
  


 

*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 6:30 pm_

  


So it’s already graduated from a “this” to “a good thing”?  That was quick.

Would you even know a good thing if you saw one?  I saw you take a lot of girls back to your room and occasionally a few boys, but I don’t recall hearing about any actual relationships.   

I’m not saying I need or want to be that.  I’m just wondering out loud.  I mean, if we are in fact trying to figure out what’s happening here.

No, you didn’t break me, don’t flatter yourself.  You did, however, show me what would have been a very good time even without the better than average sex.  I wouldn’t mind making a habit of it.

Toni Morrison is your godmother?  You’re so full of shit, Cat.  

  


P.S.  -  I really do like it when you call me Lo.  There’s something about the way it sounds dropping from your lips that feels warm in my chest.

  
  


 

*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 9:15 pm_

  


Hand to god, she is.  I can show you pictures from my christening.  My mother is just that kind of asshole.  I barely know the woman, for what it’s worth.  My mother finds my “obsession” with journalism embarrassing and is convinced that I would have nothing to offer in a conversation with my so-called godmother.  The last time I saw her, I was in middle school, I think, and she very kindly offered me a glass of wine I was much too young for before my mother whisked me away.

Just because you aren’t aware of relationships, doesn’t mean I didn’t have any.  They just weren’t good ones, so I kept them to myself.  But fear not. You are certainly not my girlfriend.  I wouldn’t inflict that title on you, in any case.  Trust me, you don’t want it.  

Which is not to say that I don’t stand by the statement that this, whatever it is, is a good thing.

I’m glad “Lo” works for you.  I like the feel of it in my mouth.  The L is delicious on my tongue and I don’t have to flatten out the O to make it flow into the I.  I can just finish it on pursed lips and still linger there and taste it for a second.

“Better than average” is probably accurate, though I was really aiming for mind-blowing.  

I suppose we’ll have to try again.

  
  
  


 

*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 10:30 pm_

  


Try again, indeed.  Further study is needed.

I have to be honest, Cat, it makes me depressed when you talk about your mother.  My dad is a piece of work, I guess, but my mom manages to push me to be my best without implying that anything other than her particular vision for my life is a deep disappointment.  Maybe you wouldn’t need world domination if she was a little nicer to you.

Seriously, every time you talk about her, I want to punch her in the mouth.

You wrote so passionately and were so articulate about the Srebrenica massacre, it was better opinion writing than some of the stuff the Times was printing about it.  That she feels that’s an embarrassment or a disappointment is incomprehensible to me.

Alright.  Done ranting.  I’m sure this was probably too much sincerity for you and we’re well over limit at this point.  Try not to gag too much.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 5, 11:30 pm_

  


Yeah, knock it off with leaping to my defense.  That kind of blatant caring will get you ejected from “not-my-girlfriend-land” faster than you can type “blatant caring.”

When does your internship end?  Mine goes until the first week of August.  I’ll only have two weeks to myself before we go back to school.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:30 am_

  


Incredibly, mine actually goes a week longer than yours does.  

Maybe after yours ends, you should come out here and stay for a week before we have to back to school.

If you want.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 12:25 pm_

  


You’re determined to engineer things so that my summer holds some promise of poutine, I see.

Still, a week together away from the prying eyes of the campus cronies holds its appeal.  Let’s keep discussing.  I’m fairly sure Toronto isn’t as much fun as National City.

  
  


 

*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 12:40 pm_

  


Well, I’m fairly certain we can make our own fun.  And I do still have my softball jersey.

  
  


 

*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 12:45 pm_

  


Sold.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 5:30 pm_

  


Catherine Jane Grant, shacking up with a girl, what will your mother say?

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 6:17 pm_

  


Not a damn thing because I haven’t told her I’m bisexual.  I don’t need one more thing for her to be disappointed with.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 7:30 pm_

  


I’m sorry.  I was just joking.  I didn’t mean to remind you of anything painful.  

My parents don’t know, either, or at least, I haven’t told them.  I don’t even know that my mom will care much, it’s just that I don’t want to deal with my dad and I don’t want to ask her to keep a secret for me.  It’s not fair.  My little sister knows, but she’s known since I was fifteen and she was nine and she’s kept a lid on it all these years.  I didn’t tell her, she just figured it out.  It was pretty crazy, actually.

Anyway, I hope you think it over and decide you want to come here.  I mean, I’ll be working during the day but we’ll have evenings to spend together.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 8:01 pm_

  


I’ll be like your stay-at-home wife, painting my nails and watching soaps while eating bonbons.  I’ll have a highball ready for you when you get home that you can sip while you read the paper and I put the finishing touches on the pot roast.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 8:33 pm_

  


Mm, that sounds lovely, but I think I’d prefer a beer.

Other than that, you make a compelling case.  Will you wear the June Cleaver dress with high heels and pearls?

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 8:42 pm_

  


Now you’re just being greedy.  

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 8:45 pm_

  


What if I wear a jacket and tie and suspenders and a fedora?  And smoke a cigarette in a cigarette holder?  And address you as kitten?

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

 _July 6, 9:01 pm_   


 

God, you’re such a lesbian.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:14 pm_

  


To be clear, does this end in us having sex with you still wearing your pearls and me still wearing my hat?

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:16 pm_

  


I’m willing to negotiate.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:19 pm_

  


See?  Now don’t you want to spend a week in Toronto?

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:21 pm_

  


I’ll admit it’s not without appeal.  You’re still not my girlfriend.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:26 pm_

  


Obviously.  I’m your 1950s butch lesbian husband.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:32 pm_

  


We got married?  I missed that.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:34 pm_

  


Fortune favors the bold, kitten.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:34 pm_

  


Call me that again and you’re getting a warm beer.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:35 pm_

  


You realize all I care about is you naked with the pearls, right, kitten?  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:37 pm_

  


So.  Second week of August, hm?  I think I can manage that.  I’ll shack up for a week in Toronto with you, Lo.

God.  Fucking Toronto.  What’s happening to my life?  You must really think you’re special.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:41 pm_

  


I am.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 6, 9:46 pm_

  


Yes, actually.  Don't let it go to your head.


	5. Chapter 5

 

*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 10:01 pm_

  


I honestly can’t believe how quickly the last two weeks have passed.  It really has made my off hours bearable having your constant companionship in my ear.  

So, I finally had a chance to read that piece you sent me.  It looks like you’re trying something new, or more accurately, like you’re trying to lean more heavily on something that you’ve always done a little bit, as a writer.  I honestly have mixed feelings about it, because it’s very sharp, technically.  The writing is tight, it’s laced with wit and parallel structures and it all feels very Maureen Dowd, you know?  Which isn’t bad, but I feel like you’ve done this beautiful, clever thing at the expense of the piece having a heart. 

I’d love to see you take a stab at the same idea, but with a little more of the feeling I know lurks in that chest of yours.  I’ll bet you’d kill it.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 10:36 pm_

  


Well, I’d almost given up on hearing from you tonight.  But one last peek, and here you are, picking at me.

What do you mean, it lacks heart?  Did I even ask for your opinion?  Actually, I suppose I did.  

It’s all well and good to say I should write with more feeling but nobody wants that.  They want Molly Ivins.  Women don’t get rewarded for showing feelings.  If we’re angry, we’re too shrill, and if we’re grieving we’re too weak, and always, at the end of it, it boils down to our girlish feelings getting in the way of being able to discuss Important Things rationally, like Real Men do it.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 10:50 pm_

  


Cat, I really wasn’t trying to be hurtful.  And I don’t think I agree.  I think we have to work harder, yes, but nobody, and I mean nobody, would mistake you, Cat Grant, for some kind of soft, waifish little girl.  Please, believe me.  

I love your cleverness, I just don’t want it to become armor.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 10:55 pm_

  


I consider it more of an exoskeleton.  It’s built into the package and something of a biological imperative.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 11:15 pm_

  


And there it is.  Walling yourself off with wit.

 Come on, Cat.  I think you’re an excellent writer, but you’re at your best you’re being passionate.  This style that relies so heavily on wit is entertaining to read, but it also feels like a defense, because it is.  Your pieces on Srebrenica were great because they were righteously angry and anyone who read them could feel your heart beating in them.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 11:32 pm_

  


And Prof. Jameson told me they were too emotional.  So here I am.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 20, 11:38 pm_

  


Then you find your own path, Cat.  You find your own shelf space.  We’re both young, and we’re both still growing into this.  But I know that you aren’t Maureen Dowd, or Molly Ivins, or Gail Collins, or Naomi Wolf.  You are Cat Grant.  You haven’t fully figured out what that means yet.  I’m still finding Lois Lane.  It’s a process.  I started out in tenth grade, ripping off of conservative columnists like Bill Kristol, if you can believe that, because I wanted to come off like I had a voice with authority and gravitas.  That was only five years ago, maybe.  Lois Lane isn’t fully cooked yet, but I know what she’s not.

I just like you best when you expose some of those raw nerves, is all.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 7:15 am_

  


Now I know you're full of shit, Lo, because I'm nothing but raw nerves.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 9:01 am_

  


Yes, ma'am, I'm aware of that.  That's why all the walls.  Because it hurts a lot when someone steps on those raw nerves.  

But when you write with them, it’s courageous.  And sometimes, even unique and brilliant.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 9:15 am_

  


Sometimes?  I see what you’re trying to do, here, and I’m not going to be suckered by your vain attempts to get me to write like a girl.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 9:17 am_

  


What if I said it was a turn-on?  

 I realize I’m technically not your girlfriend, but that’s still got to be worth something.  

  


 

*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 12:32 pm_

  


Why are you so fucking difficult?

My raw nerves are not for the entire world.  They’re barely even for you.  Sometimes you manage to irritate me enough that I can’t help their emergence.

In any case, let’s move on.  Am I still doing this madness?  Coming to Toronto after my internship here is over?  I can hide some good National City weed at the bottom of a bag of gourmet coffee and breeze through the airport with it.  We can get good and high and I can show you all the raw nerves you can handle.  Maybe you can show me yours.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 12:46 pm_

  


“My raw nerves are not for the entire world.  They’re barely even for you.  Sometimes you manage to irritate me enough that I can’t help their emergence.”

Cat, that’s probably the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 1:40 pm_

  


I told you, I’m not the romantic type.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 2:14 pm_

  


It wasn’t a complaint.  It was an observation.  

It’s alright, I know you like me much more than you want to say in so many words.  You don’t need to tell me.  I’m not the girl that needs that.  

I know what you’re really saying when you say things like that.  And it’s fine if you want to deny that.  You wanted to talk to me over the summer for a reason.  You wanted me to come visit you for a reason.  You talk dirty with me on the phone for a reason.  You don’t have to say what the reason is.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 7:20 pm_

  


Yes, and I stayed late to finish typing this email to you for a reason, too.

Listen, Lois Lane, you drive me crazy.  Absolutely nuts.  I want to be better around you, and I resent you for it.  I want to curse you out for it.  I want to push you away and I don’t know how because if I’m a bitch, you like it, and you’re a bitch right back and then all I can think about is your scratchy voice on the phone when you laugh, and how fucking hot you looked in your softball jersey, and I hate you for it.  You’re not even my type, and yet I want your strong limbs and the curses you muttered in my ear when we fucked, not because it was so great in some mechanical sense, but simply because they’re yours.  Because you confound me, you excite me and frustrate me.  You’re a terrible problem, Lo, and I want to solve you.  With my mouth.  

You’re a burr under my saddle, and yet I can’t stop riding.  I don’t know what to do with you.  But I’m coming to Toronto, and we’re going to that blasted museum, and we’re going to Niagra Falls and getting drenched, and we’re going to get high, and so help me, we are going to unravel this mystery.  I’m going to understand why you do this to me.  I’m going to figure out why when I get my teeth into the idea of getting my teeth into you, I can’t seem to let go.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 9:13 pm_

  


See, that was an awful lot of words for “I like you.”

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:20 am_

  


Dear Lois,

 

Fuck you.

 

Love,

Cat

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 21, 12:37 pm_

  


Promises, promises.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:45 am_

  


Promises, indeed.  I am nothing if not good on my word.  My promises are ones that you can take to the bank.  

I’ll say goodnight, now.  I’m sure we’ll annoy each other tomorrow.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 7:44 am_

  


Toronto will treat you well, Cat, and so will I.  I don’t care how you choose to think of whatever this is we’re doing with each other so long as we don’t have to stop doing it.  That’s good enough for me, at least for now.  I guess we’ll see how things go when you come next month.  One step at a time, one day at a time, one email, one phone call, one night together at a time.  

I don’t know if it will make you feel better to know that I find you just as infuriating as you find me.  The only real difference between us that I can see is that I’m comfortable with the discomfort of it all.  I’ve accepted that we clash, that we’re too alike in some ways and too different in others and we see parts of ourselves in each other that we hate, and parts of each other that we covet and wish we could possess.  I’ve accepted that what turns me on about you is complicated and that maybe it always will be.  When you throw me that sass, all I want to do is mess up your perfect hair and wrinkle your expensive clothes and do whatever I need to to get you whispering my name.  I don’t mind your attitude, Cat.  If you’re bothering to give me that, then there’s a spark.  It’s only coldness that I don’t think I could stand from you.  So I hope I never get a chance to find out what that’s like.  I’ve seen you show that to other people, and I don’t think I’d like to be on the receiving end.  Not after what we’ve had together.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 9:20 am_

  


I’m not sure I could be cold to you if I wanted to.  It’s just the dynamic we have.

Listen, I don’t want to talk about going back to school, yet.  I’m not saying that we will or won’t still be doing this, but we need to see what it’s like when we’re there.  I don’t know if you were planning to propose we try and get assigned to the same dorm room, but I don’t think that’s a good idea.  We don’t know what’s going to happen.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:12 pm_

  


Oh, God, Cat.  We don’t even know what shacking up for a week is like yet, much less a semester.  It wasn’t even on my mind!

Although, now that you mention it, I’d love to know what buildings you requested.  I don’t think I’d mind being in the same building so that we didn’t have to tiptoe across campus at night to see each other for the inevitable booty calls.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:34 pm_

  


You just used the phrase “booty call.”  I’m breaking up with you.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:38 pm_

  


You can’t.  I’m not your girlfriend.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 12:47 pm_

  


Fine.  I’m disowning you.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 5:46 pm_

  


You don’t own me.  

You’re going to have to come up with some other way of getting rid of me.  If you actually want to do that.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 6:24 pm_

  


I don’t suppose I do. 

What have you done to me, Lois?  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 7:22 pm_

  


I’ve ruined you forever because I make you want to admit you like me.  

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 7:34 pm_

  


God, I hate you.

  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 7:47 pm_

  


The second most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

_To: llane@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 8:39 pm_

  


I’m not speaking to you anymore.  I’m just going to show up on your doorstep in three weeks.

  
  
  


*******************************

_From:  llane@radcliffe.edu_

_To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu_

 

_July 22, 8:50 pm_

  


God, I’ve got you riled up, don’t I?  

It’s ok.  You don’t have to admit it.  I know.  I think you’ve got a good enough imagination that you can probably figure out what I would be doing if you were here.  Now, go think hard about that, and find some words to tell me just how much you hate me.  I’ll expect to be regaled in the morning.  

And just to give my two cents, I would prefer if you found a way to hate me that involved you being on top.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 8:44 am _

  
  


It’s two days away, Lo.  Two days and then I get on a plane to (shudder) Canada and come hang out at your place.  I’ve already started looking up things to do while you’re at work.  I hope you know I was kidding about the pot roast.  I don’t cook.  But maybe not kidding about the cocktails.  And I’m hoping you weren’t kidding about the suit and tie, because I have this feeling I’d enjoy seeing you dressed up like that.  

I thought of you this morning as I walked in.  They have televisions on in every room in this place, and your girl Christiane Amanpour was on the CNN, broadcasting from Bosnia.  The refugee situation is intense there right now.  She was literally standing in the rain and mud, broadcasting as they streamed over the border.  I have a lot of opinions about this story, as you’re well aware, but I could really picture you there, Lo, doing just the same.  Did you see?  She called out President Clinton on the air and demanded to know why he wasn’t fucking doing something about it.  God, that’s you, to a T.  You’re that reporter.  You’re that one.  The one who goes to insane places and gets muddy and tells the story and speaks truth to power.  I know you are.  I mean, God, you went to Toronto.  That says everything right there.

  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 9:16 am _

  
  


That was an awfully long walk for a jab at Toronto.  You’re not losing your touch, are you?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 8:44 am _

  
  


I should spank you for even suggesting such a thing.  But you’d probably enjoy that.  In which case, I will withhold spanking for suggesting such a thing.

And to be clear, it was a jab at you.  I have nothing particular against Toronto.  It’s not Toronto’s fault that it isn’t New York.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 12:24 pm _

  
  


It’s funny that you pride yourself on not making promises you can’t keep.  I don’t have the first shred of evidence that you would even know how to do an erotic spanking properly, therefore I have no particular reason to believe that you are withholding anything much from me, despite your apparent attempt to use it as a threat.

New York, by the way, is nice, but overrated.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 4:38 pm _

  
  


Keep talking to me like that, and you’ll never know, will you.  You’ve got your boots on, today.

Keep your heresy regarding New York to yourself, or I’ll be forced to whisk you away for a weekend there.  I’ll show you Lincoln Center, and the MoMA, and Greenwich Village, and I’ll feed you some proper Italian food and some decent sushi, and then for dessert I’ll make you eat some real cannoli that they fill for you when you order them, along a heaping helping of your woefully uninformed words.

Honestly, the view from the top of the World Trade Center is worth the trip alone.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 7:12 pm _

  
  


Well, sitting on top of the world sounds like your default position, so I’m sure that’s probably exciting to you.  Is it because you’re short?  Is it a Napoleonic complex, Cat?  Do you just want to grab the world by the balls and bend it to your will because you’re so small?  Would we even be having this conversation if you were just a few inches taller?

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 7:46 pm _

  
  


Fuck off, Lois, I’m not that short.  I’m only like three inches shorter than you.  That’s not that much.

  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 8:09 pm _

  
  


Must be your small, slender bones, then.  You seem smaller.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 8:14 pm _

  
  


I’m not small.  You’re brawny, is the problem.  I’m pretty sure you could pick me up and crush me.

I’m pausing now to consider that possibility and I can’t say that I actually feel that qualifies as a problem.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 8:41 pm _

  
  


Now that you mention it, I’ll bet I could.  I have a really strong upper body.  I could probably get my hands around the backs of your thighs and kind of hoist you up.  I figure if you wrapped your legs around my waist, I could support you pretty easily.  

Because you’re tiny.

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 9:02 pm _

  
  


Be good, Lo, or I won’t wear the pearls.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 9:06 pm _

  
  


Wear the pearls or I won’t pick you up.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 9:09 pm _

  
  


Well, we appear to have achieved a Mexican standoff.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 9:27 pm _

  
  


Then it would be the WASP-iest Mexican standoff ever witnessed.

Anyway, no standoff.  You’ll wear the pearls, and I’ll pick you up, and I’ll pin you between my body and the wall, and we’ll have a few hot kisses there before I carry you off to bed (or wherever).  

And by the way, I know your jab at Toronto was a veiled compliment to me, so I’ll take it.

I do want to see you eventually take over the world.  I find that attractive in a woman.  I used to think you were full of shit and that you had a huge ego.  Now I see that you have a huge ego, but that you’re far less full of shit than I initially believed.

Oh and one last thing: when I got home this evening, I found in my mailbox the copy of the Goethe book you sent.  Thank you.  I can't help wondering, though, why you happened to highlight this quote, though:  “Dream no small dreams for they have no power to move the hearts of men.”

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 10:26 pm _

  
  


As usual, you’re being obtuse.  It means what it means.  Stop reading into it so much.  I’m glad you got the book, though.  I found this new website, Amazon, where you can buy books, and the prices seem a little better than the bookstore, even with shipping.

In any case, I’m glad you ended our standoff.  I think I appreciate you being so firm and decisive  with me.  More of that, please.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: grant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 5, 10:58 pm _

  
  


I’m calling you.

  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 12:42 am _

  
  


Well, you’ve succeeded in making me feel much better about this trip to Toronto.  

It’s funny, but the way we interacted sexually when we were in person was so different from the way we are on the phone.  Because I enjoy them both, and they’re both equally real.  I feel as if the distance inherent in our situation is good, because it gives us the space to explore two different sides of our dynamic, or have two very different ways of interacting.  

I enjoyed being in bed with you, and I’m looking forward to being there again.  You were miles from that shy girl I made out with last year.  You listened, you paid attention, you were confident, you were gentle, and it was so easy for me to be all those things for you.  

But I like the things we’re able to do for each other in this other space.  I like knowing my way around the sticky back rooms of what you like to think about but not necessarily do.  I like how you push my buttons and feed into all those fantasies I have of being treated roughly, thrown around and held down and tied up, and all those other things that get me wet in theory but not so much in reality.  And bless you, but you do manage to find the right words to talk about them.

Needless to say, tonight you were particularly on point. 

So, it’ll be interesting to see how extended proximity affects that.

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 9:15 am _

  
  


Oh, well, I’m glad you feel I was “particularly on point”.  We have to discuss the way you talk about this stuff, at some point.  Sometimes it’s great, and sometimes it sounds like a restaurant review.  Nevertheless, I know exactly what you mean.  I agree, it’s a little odd, the sort “two different dynamics” thing, but I’m not complaining.  

And for whatever it may be worth, I think the tying-up piece of things doesn’t necessarily have to be rough.  It could, I daresay, be very gentle and caring, if one wanted to make it that way.

Just putting that thought out there.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 12:34 pm _

  
  


Lo, take it easy.  I’m at work, you know.  I’m  going to need a cold shower if you get me thinking too much about those possibilities.  And we don’t have showers at work.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 12:40 pm _

  
  


I should probably care about not torturing you too much at work, but I kind of don’t.  In fact, I’m wondering how much pushing it would take on my part to get you to hurriedly excuse yourself to the ladies room to take care of things.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 12:45 pm _

  
  


You’d enjoy that, wouldn’t you.

Well, fuck off.  I’m going to see you tomorrow.  It was like this last time, too, you’ll recall:  we got ourselves worked up into a fever pitch in the days before we were going to see each other.  I’m not going to read any more emails from you today while I’m at work.  I’ll check in when I get home.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 1:45 pm _

  
  


I do recall.  I was sort of counting on it.  See, I spent a little time after that last email trying to think about what it would be like to tie you up like that, gently.  Not hard enough to hurt, but just tight enough that you couldn’t move, couldn’t touch me while I was touching you.  How it would feel, seeing you trusting yourself to me, letting me do whatever I wanted to do.  How nice it would be to stroke you, kiss you all over, just like you like it, softly, taking my time, and still being completely in control of you.  Still having you helpless underneath me, unable to guide my hands with yours, unable to pull me nearer to you if you wanted to feel more of my skin, unable to steer me and my actions in any way.  Would you writhe underneath me?  Ask me for things?  Beg me?  

Anyway, I was wondering all that, and then, well.  I needed a cold shower.  And there’s no showers here either.

  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 3:38 pm _

  
  


Fuck you, Lo.

  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 4:45 pm _

  
  


Thought you weren’t checking email till you got home.  Not much will power there, hm?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 5:15 pm _

  
  


No.  I hate you so much.  I have to go out with people for dinner because it’s the end of the internship, and here you are, getting me so I need a cold shower.  And there’s no shower here.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 5:22 pm _

  
  


Well?  Did you fix it?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 5:24 pm _

 

 

Did you?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 5:31 pm _

  
  


Maybe.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 5:34 pm _ __   
  


  
  


God, I hate you.  

 

I’m going out now.  I’ll be home around 9:00.  I’ll call you when I get in.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 6, 11:02 pm _

  
  


I know I said I was done for the night when we hung up, but I can’t get to sleep.  I’m too keyed up, I guess.

I know I kind of started all this, but it kind of feels inevitable, too.  There just aren’t many people who can play at our level, even at Radcliffe.  We have incredible futures ahead of us, even if I suspect they’re going to be rather different.   Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.  (And yes, I know that’s a misattributed quote and not really Goethe but it’s appropriate anyway.)

What I’m saying Lois, is that I respect you.  Maybe that’s not saying I love you, or even that I like you in a romantic way, but you know me.  You know me in a way that I don’t think a lot of people do.  So you know what it means if I say that.  I don’t hand that out lightly.  And it has a lot to do with why I didn’t try to just fuck you when we first met.  Because that’s not for people I respect.  I think I tried to articulate this to you once before but I don’t think I did a very good job.  (It’s why I’m afraid to write with feeling, honestly.  I’m afraid it makes me less articulate.)

I know what I said about your kissing in Amanda’s room (which was fine, by the way, and you can forget the critique I may have previously given it), and it doesn’t change the fact that I resent you and you infuriate me sometimes and that I have complicated feelings that are not always easy for me to consider clearly or articulate well.  But  I RESPECT you.  I think you’re an important person, or you’re going to be, and not just subjectively, as in important to me personally, but … important.  You’re going to do things in life that matter.  And so am I.  I think no matter what happens between us, Lo, in the long term, we’re never going to completely break this connection.  Important people move in the same overlapping spheres, whether they like it or not.  

I know you say you’re not the girl who needs to be told she’s special, or pretty, or loved, or whatever it is that girls are supposed to want.  But I have more respect for you than almost anyone else we know.  I hope that matters to you.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 7, 5:34 am _

  
  


Hurry up and get here.   I'm waiting.


	7. Chapter 7

*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 9:17 am _

  
  


Cat,

You genuinely seemed to not understand why I was upset with you when you left for the airport this morning.  I’ll try to explain, and I’ll be sure to use small words so you’ll understand.

Your visit started off exactly as I’d hoped and expected:  you arrived, we ate dinner together, we got high, we laughed a lot at my Pinky and the Brain DVDs.  We argued about the relevance of traditional media in the coming decades.  We spoke German.  It was everything I expected of it.

We ended up undressing each other on the couch.  You looked at me like I was the only other person in the world.  We burrowed into each other like our bodies needed it, no different than they need air.  It was even better than last time.

And we did Toronto together.  We did the museums, and the gay bars, and the trip to the falls where you looked so cute all drenched and I know you were having a good time, even if you tried to act like you weren’t.

Our nights together were easy, our tension and banter comfortable.  Whatever this is, Cat, we are settling into it.  We felt each other’s beats, we knew each other’s rhythms.  The dance is prickly and still so very exciting, but we know it now.  I know you feel that.  It’s in your words, it’s in the way you treat me, and it’s in the way you look at me in bed, if nowhere else.  

So, you thick-headed jackass, despite our decided lack of promises to each other, there is something going on here.  That you couldn’t even muster a sensitive response to my question about what’s going to happen when we get back to school was a little frustrating to me.  If you don’t have an answer for that question, as I don’t either, that’s fine.  Say that.  Acknowledge that I’m trying to start a conversation that we need to have because in a week, we’re going to be thrown together again, and we’re going to be in an environment with other people who know us.  It would be good to have some idea of what the hell was going on.

So when you saw fit to just dodge that question, and kiss me goodbye without resolving anything, or even acknowledging that there was anything to resolve, you know.  I was a little annoyed.  And I’m not interested in your excuse about you not being romantic.  This isn’t about being romantic.  This is just about respecting the fact that we have something and that I want to know what’s going to happen to it now that we’re going back into this environment.  You said you respected me?  That’s great.  So then.  Respect what is happening here and talk about it like a fucking adult.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 7:34 pm _

  
  
  


Well, I had a long trip back and then my mother insisted on dragging me out to dinner although it was literally the last thing I felt up to doing.  So I’m just getting around to my emails.

Don’t fucking lecture me about communication, Lois.  You got into this knowing I wasn’t prepared to get into anything serious, and for God’s sake, I don’t even call you my girlfriend.  I don’t have a problem talking about this, but it wasn’t a conversation I felt like having as I was stuffing all my shit into a suitcase to get out the door to make a plane.

I have laid down markers this entire time and been clear about what you could and couldn’t expect from me.  You have said all along that what I was able to give you was fine.  You don’t get to decide that just because we had a nice week together, that you get to start demanding things from me.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 9:30 pm _

  
  


I was always fine with your limits, with the caveat “for now.”  It’s absurd that you could expect us to be the way we’ve been and that at some point, I’m not going to expect you to act like there’s something going on.  We have spent the last three months talking nearly every day, emailing several times a day, having more phone sex than I can stand to think about, and we’ve spent a weekend together and then a week, in which we both had a decidedly very good time.

And whatever, I don’t even have to be your girlfriend (although I think I already am, nomenclature notwithstanding, and I’ll get to that).  I’m not asking you for that.  I’m just saying I was really frustrated with the fact that you acted like we had nothing to talk about when in fact, we do.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 10:34 pm _

  
  


Christ, Lois.  Of course we have something to talk about.  I told you, I just didn’t want to do it right then.  It wasn’t the time.  Honestly I’m really still too tired for it right now, and I don’t understand why you aren’t.  Didn’t you have a long flight today too?

Just don’t act like I owe you something.  This thing is something we’re doing together out of mutual consent and desire and it’ll continue insofar as it’s emotionally and socially good for both of us.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 10:48 pm _

  
  
  


I had a flight, yes, though not as long as yours.  But you left things unresolved and we only have a week to establish what exactly this is and how we’re going to treat it when we get back to school.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 15, 11:46 pm _

  
  
  


Alright.  I’ve had a moment to calm down and reassess what’s happening here.  Let me try to address this again in a way that makes sense.   

I’m still closeted at home, for one thing, and I know you are too, but whereas your situation is something of an unknown, I know exactly what I stand to lose by coming out, and it’s a lot.  So it’s part of what makes me reticent to be very public about this.  But also, I was sincere about not wanting our thing to be something for everyone else to discuss and evaluate and pick at the way that people do;  hell, the way I even do sometimes.  I just want it to be us, and not have to answer or explain to the rest of the world.

I know that sounds like I’m ashamed of you, or at least, that’s the way most other girls have taken it when I’ve tried to explain that.  But that’s not it at all.  Are you kidding?  What girl wouldn’t want you, Lois?  You, with your passion and your talent and wit and your scratchy little laugh and those muscles in your shoulders and thighs that I can’t keep my hands off of when I’m with you?  I’ve tried to keep from liking you, from getting too deeply into this thing with you, and I’ve failed miserably.  I’m just… I feel like whatever this is is fragile and I want to protect it from other people and their shitty opinions.

So, I don’t know.  I want to keep doing this when we’re back at school.  I want to study with you at night and have it end up in making out on your bed.  I want to pass you notes in MacAvoy’s “Journalism and New Media” (please tell me you’ve signed up for that).  I want to see you for lunches and dinners, and go get drunk with you at the piano bar in Cambridge and heckle that virtuosic lesbian who plays jazz there on Saturdays.  I want to sneak you into my dorm at night and get high and have very quiet sex.  And weekends away.  I want weekends away the most, when we don’t have to be quiet, and I can make you come and you can be so wonderfully loud the way you can be when I’m really doing it just right.  Whatever this is, I don’t want it to stop any more than you do.

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 12:31 am _

  
  
  


I’m starting to understand why it’s so important to you to become a cultural influencer, a an opinion maker.  You feel like that’s power.  You feel vulnerable to what others think, no matter what you say about it, and you want to be able to set the conversation at that level, and tell people what to think about.   You’re sensitive to the sting of weaponized opinion and try to feign invulnerability to combat it.

Jesus Christ, Cat.  There’s a word for this, you know that, right?  There’s a word for that feeling you have, for the thing that we’re doing with each other.  There are words for all of it and you won’t use them.  I can’t tell if you’re just scared or if you really don’t fucking understand what’s happening here.

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:16 am _

  
  


Lo, there are words that I’m afraid to use because I haven’t felt like this with other people.  I have no basis of comparison for this because nothing else I ever had felt like it, no-one else I’ve ever been with made me feel like you do.  I’m afraid to use the words because I’m afraid they’ll be wrong.  Or that I’ll be wrong.  The more I feel, the more incoherent I become.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:20 am _

  
  


That’s why sometimes the simplest words are the best, Cat.  Jesus Christ.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:22 am _

  
  


But Lo, what if I’m wrong?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:25 am _

  
  
  


Look, I’m not gonna pressure you to say anything you’re not ready to say.  But for the love of all that is holy, can we at least agree that we’re in a relationship?  If you want to keep it quiet when we go back to school, tell me and we’ll talk about it.  You’re scared of being too “out” and I get that, but you seem to have really odd, repressed, WASP-y ideas about relationships that thankfully, I didn’t pick up from my parents.  I guess that’s your mom’s work.  One more reason I want to punch her in the mouth.

You need to know that I’m not going to be okay with that forever, if this continues to be something we want to do.  At some point I’ll want it to be something that we are open about, if only with our small circle; Amanda, Olivia, and maybe a handful of others.  But look, we’ll just keep talking about it.  

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:31 am _

  
  


Oh, Lo, there is no forever.  We’re going to get older, we’re going to change, we’re going to make choices.  Things don’t last forever.  Maybe some guy will come swooping in out of the sky and you’ll fall in love, maybe I’ll pop out a few kids, maybe our lives and careers will take us to opposite coasts or pit us in direct competition with each other.  Because I know you, Lo, and I know you’d never turn down a great opportunity for the sake of a relationship, and neither would I.  So there is no forever.  And that’s what scares me the most.  That I can feel this much, and that the probability is good that even with that, it won’t last forever.  

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:44 am _

  
  
  


Goddamnit, Cat.  Three months ago, you were the one bludgeoning me with “let’s just enjoy the now”, and now you’re worrying about forever.  You were the one telling me you didn’t want to worry about down the road, that even if it was a disaster, that we were giving each other something in the present and that nobody could take that away from us.  You keep saying to me how we’ll always know each other, we’ll never quite get rid of each other even if we want to, because of who we are.  Well, I believe that too.

Unless you were all talk?

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 1:56 am _

  
  


No. I meant all that.  

How dare you throw my own words back at me?

Look, I want us to keep being together at school.  Yes, we can call it a relationship.  And if we find that it’s comfortable and working, maybe toward the end of the semester we can relax and tell a few people.  Or let them figure it out.  Whichever.

And maybe, maybe, if it’s still happening next semester, I might even tell you I’m in love with you.

  
  
  


 

*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 2:04 am _

  
  


But, just to be clear, you aren’t saying that now?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 2:07 am _

  
  


Correct.  I am not.

However, in the spirit of detente, I will agree that you are my girlfriend.

  
  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 2:09 am _

  
  
  


Oh God, you jackass.  I hate you so much.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 2:12 am _

  
  


Good.  The feeling is mutual.

I want to call you right now.  I know I can’t, because it’s after 2 a.m. and I’d get you in trouble.  But just so you know, I want to.  I want to hear your voice.  I want to call you my girlfriend and tell you how much I hate you and then whisper some stuff in your ear, you know?

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  llane@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: cgrant@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 2:14 am _

  
  


Tomorrow, Cat.  My parents will be out between 3 and 5.  I’ll be wearing my softball shirt.

Goodnight.

  
  
  
  


*******************************

_ From:  cgrant@radcliffe.edu _

_ To: llane@radcliffe.edu  _

 

_ August 16, 10:12 am _

  
  


I’m absolutely jumping out of my skin waiting to call you this afternoon.  

And having to wait a week to actually see you again feels too long.  Now that we’re in a relationship and all, and you’re my girlfriend, and such.

I’m not being an asshole, I promise.  It’s just very strange for me.  Nothing is forever, and you and I are complicated, but I want this.  I want now.  Very much.  I know I’m difficult.  And we’re probably both idiots, and it probably won’t last very long, but now?  Now I want you.  You, Lois Lane, and your brains and your brawn and the way we bicker and then hold hands in bed.  I want it.  

“Alles, was uns begegnet, läßt Spuren zurück. Alles trägt unmerklich zu unserer Bildung bei.”*

So teach me.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *The quote is from Goethe, translates to: "Everything we encounter leaves traces behind. Everything contributes imperceptibly to our education.”

**Author's Note:**

> I will probably write more about these two and their lives and how they are drawn together and pushed apart more than once over the decades, but this feels like a good place to stop this installment.


End file.
